This whole time I’ve been trying to avoid all things negative. Negative feelings, negative situations, negative people. I don’t know how to deal with negativity. In fact, I’m absolutely terrified of what I’ll become when I’m faced with negativity.
I know this reflects on what I remember from my childhood. Expressive angry father, silent meek mother, volatile headstrong grandmother. Watching from the crack of a door my older sister being beaten by my father. Freezing in place while my ex-stepfather groped me one night. Learning that he cheated on my mother with a woman who also had three daughters. I guess I felt abandoned one too many times. I guess a stable foundation wasn’t built when I was a child.
Now my twenty-three year old self must deal with the aftermath. I haven’t been dealing with all feelings, “good” or “bad.” I haven’t been giving myself permission to feel how I’m feeling, to let it all happen naturally, because I always felt that I was losing control and I couldn’t accept that. It turns out I’m not actually controlling anything (never have been). All I can control is how I’m feeling and accepting that I’m feeling that way.
So how am I feeling? No judgments here.
I’m feeling in despair. I feel like my heart has been torn out of my chest and shredded into a thousand pieces. I feel crushed, like I’m suffocating from my own weight. I feel grief because I’ve lost you. I feel alone but I keep misconstruing it as being lonely. I feel like an open wound, one that continues to reopen every time I look or talk to you.
That’s how I’m feeling.