prose

A State of Impermanence

When I cry, I cry alone. When I worry, I worry alone. In the end, it is only me who feels the pain, the anguish, the betrayal, the anger – and not the person or object I feel this towards. I allow silent tears to drip down my face, feeling self pity and it disappoints me when I realize that, in this moment, only I can feel the pain. Does this mean that I am the one causing all of this agony to myself while others continue on their ways allowing happiness and joy to overflow their lives? Do I welcome the negativity because it is easier to wallow in the misery and believe that I cannot fix it or rise up to the challenge? Perhaps the answer is yes, I am doing that to myself.

I sit here now, trying to stifle sadness from sneaking its way out of the corners of my eyes. I want to be strong, I do not want to feel weak…and I realize then that there is always that feeling of wanting to be strong, of wanting to be courageous, of wanting to be prepared for the unexpected or the worst.

This is when I have an epiphany – a self-actualization, or at least something close to it: I have been thinking, planning, visualizing how I want to be or expect myself to be or how my relationships with people are supposed to be like instead of actually enjoying myself or those people as they are in the moment when my feelings are more reliable and authentic. It was always a question of whether I was strong enough or good enough, if they would betray me or do me wrong, instead of asking myself the more important questions like “Do I enjoy being in the company of this person?” or  “Do I feel happy and comfortable with myself in this moment?”

Although my older sister had stumbled across Marie Kondo’s book which wrote on tidying up the living space, it dawned on me how discarding was the first and most crucial hard-to-do step in any situation. It was then that I realized how simple it was to weed out anything negative in your life. Kondo’s method was straight to the point: you pick up an object you have – after extracting all objects of the same category and pile it into one place for more efficient viewing – and feel it in your hands and ask yourself, “Does this bring me joy?”

If it does, keep it; if it doesn’t, discard it.

Check out Marie Kondo’s The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up!
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