I’m frightened all of the time. I’m terrified of being abandoned, of being lonely, of change, of confrontational emotions. I’m always wondering if this is it, if I’m always going to attract the negativity, and the pain, and the suffering that I see all the time. Everything and everyone is burdened by the thought of me. I constantly sob all night long and I always desperately reachBo out to those I love in the hopes that they will console me. But I see that look in their eyes. It’s burned into my mind. They’re disgusted, put off, annoyed, done. I ask too much of them and then I lash out defensively so they won’t know how much pain they’ve caused me, to myself. And I hate the darkness because it’s usually accompanied by cold silence. What do I do then, being in the dark and feeling numb? Maybe that’s why my eyes are shock white, clear as milk and thin like oil. I’ve been thrown away and ignored that I’ve grown used to the neglect, so I reluctantly seek out the darkness that is found within my heart. Does that make sense? It’s my fault, really. I deserve that restlessness, that turmoil of always wondering whether or not this will last. Somewhere, somehow I did something in my past that led me to this point of self-loathing…right?

NOTE: So, Bo has been around for a while now; I would know because I’ve had to deal with him. I’ve just never had the courage to let him out into the world. His name (meaning “to live”) is not a sick, twisted joke at his endless inner turmoil, but rather the potential he has for healing. But it’s also not just “potential” either: he and I are working together to figure our shit out. Many thanks to Mindfump’s #PersonifyMe challenge which helped bring him out into the real world, where good things do happen.
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3 thoughts on “My name is Bo.

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