I am an observer, a listener, a contemplator. Crowds of noisy busybodies do not tempt me—in fact, they force me to seek out the privacy and safety of the outskirts. There is too much going on that I cannot begin to even think or speak to them.
I settle myself into a quiet solitude on a bench with my angular limbs cradled up against me and I allow the thoughts in my mind to flow. I would rather whisper sweet nothings into the ear of my lover; giggle uncontrollably with my close friends at the random happenings of our days; cuddle and swathe myself in the silky, cool folds of my bed covers and pillows. I prefer a hot cup of tea with one other friend or two rather than the sweaty, sharp-smelling bottles of vodka intermingling with bodies of a night party.
I pause for a moment in my own stillness and find myself smiling softly as I sift through my thoughts. I remember inquiring some friends if they ever had that sort of moment where their mind became as blank and unmoving as a solid backdrop for a photoshoot; they had looked at me funny and told me it had never happened to them.
as the crow flies
It is midnight and the darkness in my room envelopes me in a cool, silky cocoon. The light glows softly from beneath the keys of my Mac and I have chosen a mellow ukulele song. As soon as it begins, it starts nestling itself into the furthest reaches of my ears. It is a contemplative feeling and pondering song and I have no one else but myself to echo and whisper back and forth to.
A couple hours after I got off the phone with you, I lay in my bed browsing on my Mac. I started remembering the things we talked about—past relationships, future worries, and all in between. You actually listened to me while I started rambling on about the 21 best tips in keeping a long distance relationship going. You wanted to hear about it. I think about it now and I am pleasantly surprised.
I know it is callous of me to compare you to my past but it is human nature to do that sort of thing, even if for a just a little. I keep going back to our video call and suddenly I am filled with a sudden sureness that this is what I really want to do. I want to hold you in my dreams even if it is not physically possible. I want to hear and savor every moment I talk to you through a glowing screen. I want to feel that catch in my breath and that immediate surge of warmth in my heart whenever I hear your voice and take a glimpse of your face.
Because in my efforts of being close to you while you are thousands of miles away, I will have you – you in your fullest and purest form.